its 3:42 am and like most nights/early mornings I can't sleep... its nothing new, its rutine I'm far to familiar with... sleepless nights get old fast, and even faster when you're lonely... and lonely can not even describe this longing I have... it seems these days that most guys I incounter 'like' me... its new to me since I'm so used to being view as 'just a friend' or 'one of the guys'... or atleasts that how I always felt... no more and more I'm getting abroached and it strange b/c though I'm single and these guys well most of them are attrative I can careless, I just say 'I'm taken' and with out looking twice I walk away... its forgien to me to be this shallow I guess... though i'm not shallow I don't know the word I'm looking for... I'm so lost and then theres Harrison, I dunno what it is about him but I can't get him off my mind... my every waking thought seems to be dedicated to him recently... and for the first time I look in the mirror and see me, not a fat blog or worthless creature, I see laurarose, I see the girl that so many people have seen for so long and I've been blind to... he makes me feel different, not like anyone I've ever know, I dunno how to describe this its so weird... I'm so lost in my self... ad in him... and I can't wait for him to get back from tour! I miss my giant! Ahhh... I'm stressed to hell... right now and him being here would make me feel some much better...

and I feel like shit for many reasons... one is b/c one of my good freinds hurt me today... I've lost so many friends over the past months, i lost my precious A.J., Bunny, Trinket, Elise is sliping away... everyone I know and love is just drifting out of my life and its really tearing me apart these are the people I've counted on and cared about.. my bestfriends...

life is crap.... god damit... well I'm gonna go lay in bed for the rest of the mornig write alittle maybe finish a painting or two... haha

just a little update! I love you all and thank you everyone for the favs and comments I appreaciate it, and I'm sorry i haven't gotten around to responding or reading them all I will try to get to them all I promise!